Graduation
is it becoming a lost art?
Every year’s May/June timeframe has a common theme running throughout: it’s Graduation Season. Schools are preparing for their biggest events, and families are going all in. Restaurants are booked out in advance, as are photographers, cap and gown companies, limo services, and the whole ecosystem surrounding the graduation endeavor. From graduating kindergarten to graduating with a doctorate, there has to be something momentous behind the effort to warrant the celebration. It’s also a rite of joyful passage to usher folks into the next phase of their journeys, whatever they may be.
From the commercial likeness of it all, and given how many of us participate in such endeavors, the question that makes up the subtitle of this article seems itself questionable. Given how prevalent graduation activities are around us, including the ones we are actively involved with ourselves, how can this possibly be called a lost art? It’s not a typewriter or floppy disk, and it’s not about to go out of business anytime soon. If anything, its appeal and popularity has picked up over time, at least from my school days. The momentum appears stronger than ever.
Post school and academia, the graduation fever does drop down quite a few notches. It doesn’t completely end though, as people still celebrate things like getting a long-awaited promotion, their company reaching IPO, their 5th book being stocked on the Barnes & Noble shelves, or their full recovery from a cancer battle. All of which, are well-deserved.
But what got me contemplating about graduation recently was a conversation at work. One of the teams under a VP was trying to switch departments to be under another VP. It wasn’t that they didn’t have a good time under the previous one, it was just that they truly believed they could have more impact and make more for the company in the other department. After nearly a year of negotiations, both sides agreed to the move. After the announcement was made, during a townhall, someone from another team under the original VP half-joked, “So…you guys are really divorcing us?”
Naturally there was a freeze and awkward silence. But my manager, who had spearheaded the entire moving effort, stepped in quickly.
“I don’t see it that way,” he said, “it’s more of a graduation.”
In that moment I thought, I like this framing. There were and still are some huge risks, stresses, and challenges associated with this move. It is genuinely hard with so much uncertainty, and even his own future position is not guaranteed.
But in that moment, he captured the mood and intention perfectly. Change is hard, but it’s also true that there are no hard feelings with the previous organization. That VP was also truly happy for her former team, and had no regrets. It was a graduation to higher potential. Whether or not it’s actually realized is a story for another day.
Two recent articles have got me wondering if relationships can also be viewed through the graduation lens.
Is it a given in human nature to make relationship endings always take on a negative bend? Either a blowout fight/conflict or the silent/ghosting treatment, or sometimes both. Is it delusional to wonder what would happen if we treated our relationship endings like graduations instead of divorces or funerals? Can both parties be happy to celebrate the work that was done in the course of the mutual journey and agree that it is time for another phase of each other’s journeys? How does one even begin to initiate that kind of conversation?
I am in the process of saying goodbye to a job role and title that I’ve loved and poured my heart into for the last 3+ years, while also preparing to transition to a new role. I need to pass on my current work to another, and someone needs to pass on their work to me. Neither one is easy, and there are days and moments when I feel like I’m not doing anything right, or making much progress, but the only way forward I can think of throughout all this is to be kind to myself and to all other parties, recognizing that the human comes before the work.
Also something I see too often is the tendency to blame everything on the other party, especially when they are the “original instigator.” It’s like if someone rear-ended me in the parking lot, then it gives me blanketed authority to curse them, sue them, jail them, and even pull out a gun (if I own one) on them. Because after all…they started it.
Like every human, I have been on both sides of this equation. As the “villain” and as the “victim.” What I try hard to remember is that we are all Co-Creators of our realities. This is easier to do in some situations, and in other more traumatic ones, nearly impossible. In a recent conversation at work, I explained why I made the decision I did regarding someone else, but also acknowledged that I could’ve done better myself, communicated better and more often, and that I still appreciate this person for all they’ve contributed. I’m learning not to put all the blame on anyone else, and in situations when others attempt to put all the blame on me, I also try not to take it personally, because I remember the reality of Co-Creation. If I accepted myself as a villain, that would put the other person as the victim, and I don’t believe it benefits anyone to live their life as a victim.
While there are many definitions of magic out there, to me one of the loveliest explanations of magic is that it is the Art of Co-Creation. And graduation is a form of that co-creation in practice regarding endings.
It would not be possible nor practical to assume we can apply the graduation formula to all endings. But is it possible to apply it to any endings?
If every difficult moment becomes a reason to disappear, eventually nobody feels safe enough to be human around each other anymore.
-Freedom Patrick Naneworter (author of 1st article above)
Like the author of both articles above, I recognize the need to leave toxic and abusive relationships. Yet what I question is the widespread prevalence and glorification of “cutting off your family and friends” in society today. I question it because I used to be one of those people, who was proud of having strong boundaries and not giving people second chances if they made mistakes, crossed me, or “just wasn’t on the same growth trajectory/frequency as me.” Most of the time, it wasn’t that I couldn’t get over what had transpired, it was because I didn’t have the energy to deal with it anymore. So is that on me or on them? As always, Co-Creation says both.
These days, while I’m nowhere near able to apply Graduation to the ending of relationships, I do carve out extra time and allocate energy to making the off ramp as smooth as possible. Increase frequency of communication. Offer alternatives. Openly take accountability for my own shortcomings. Give them the space to speak their mind (and allow them to feel psychologically safe to rant as needed).
I have heard leaders complain that this kind of behavior makes them into “punching bags” and “trash cans” for other people. While that can certainly happen, the objective here is to also be open and authentic, and speak/share your perspective as well. If it becomes too one-sided or volatile, then we have to recalibrate our energy and make better decisions on how to proceed. There is no one-size fits all and nobody can tell another what is the right thing for them.
We also have to respect that everyone’s mission is different. The analogies I come back to are Navy Seal Team 6, Olympians, and many startup founders. To achieve those near-impossible missions, and reach those pinnacles, they have to be ruthless and not allow any BS or impurities to enter their fields. The takeaway here is if we are dealing with those types, we have to be prepared to “keep up or get out.” There is no room for hand-holding, error, delay, debate, talking back, rework, wasted time, or second chances. They have to be laser focused on the mission at hand. We have to be aware that they are not villains, but that operating in their spheres requires a discipline most of us don’t possess. It’s neither right nor wrong, but having that awareness early on is important.
And yet, it strikes me as obvious that virtually nothing is more important with respect to our emotional health. Those who are savagely departed from often live shattered lives (I am not talking about justified harshness), never again able to trust another. Not because it ended, but because of how it ended. I think it’s time we incorporated endings training into our child-rearing, and led workshops on the moment of farewell.
-Jeff Brown (author of 2nd article)
This all brings me back to the question of why do I care so much about graduation? On a micro-level, not having a proper closure to a relationship, even if it’s a fleeting one like getting rear-ended by a stranger in the parking lot, can weigh down our energy fields. It adds up and compounds, and we wonder why we’re suddenly sick, depressed, hate life, and/or experience so many “random” struggles. Energy lingers in our fields long after we may have even consciously forgotten about certain encounters. It takes quite a bit of work to clear this out, and if you believe in reincarnation, it wouldn’t be a big stretch to realize we may be carrying this into our other incarnations. I have witnessed this bleed through, and it’s not fun. If there’s something I can do to catch it while it’s still early, I’m going to go all in on it.
And finally, we come to the ultimate question about death. Our physical bodies are not eternal, but our souls are. I want my soul to graduate when my body is gone, and that is only possible if I put in the work now. I also want our planet Earth to be a place where graduations are still possible. If I want to reach the higher realms, or take on a physical body in a Utopian planet in my next incarnation, I want to do it in a way that involves graduation from Earth, not evacuation. This might be asking for too much, or just downright delusional, as if one is in a burning building, one would be lucky to have an evacuation route! Planets have been destroyed before, including other versions of Earth, so there is quite the possibility…
But at least in this moment, when I reflect back on my current life and incarnation, I feel immensely blessed. If there were any plans made for me by the Creator/Source, they involved being taken care of by family, and taking care of family. Of still being curious of the Earth plane, and wanting to learn more. Of seeing the beauty around me, even when there is darkness. Throughout my life I have not been trained to give up everything and leave at a moment’s notice (aka emergency evac). I also don’t have some grand mission that I need to keep secret, or some looming deadline that I need to meet. I am being asked to be kind, to be of service where I can, to not overexpose myself, and to continue doing the inner work and learn at a steady and manageable pace.
Which, in my opinion, are all hallmarks of a normal graduation path.
Some people graduate college at 16, and others at 60. Both are equally valid, as is everything in between. If we believe that this is a Time Matrix, and we would like to leave, then there is still much work ahead of us after the initial awakening. Sometimes that work can take multiple lifetimes before we accrete enough frequency for liftoff. To the ones who resonate with this, and seek a better experience after Earth, the question at hand isn’t so much as what but rather how and in what form. I personally prefer graduation, because I haven’t been trained in any other way. But if you were a Navy Seal, it might be the opposite, where evacuation is the norm. Could both exist for those who have different preferences? That’s a question that will remain with me for some time to come.
For the time being, it may be helpful to include relationship graduation as an affirmation. If it must end, may it close out in peace, joy, and a little celebration.